Starting to Count Again

When I'm overwhelmed.

When I want to hide.

Can't I be the ostrich with its head in the sand?

When I struggle to pray.

When I struggle to do.  Anything.

When the loudest voices shout:

"What are you whining about? You have an easy life! What's wrong with you? You're just lazy. You have no excuse. You're worthless at everything you're doing."

I KNOW I need to fight...but I have no fight in me.

I KNOW I'm not alone...but I FEEL alone.

I KNOW the truth...but the lies are louder.

I can't pray. I can't fight.

But I can count.

1-rain

2-sunlight

3-two pump cafe mochas

4-colored pens and paper

5-...

Job Performance

For 25 years I’ve had the same job.  Most of the time I work independently and set my own schedule.  I have no direct supervisor or performance reviews.  I know other people who fulfill the same job responsibilities, but we work at different sites.  My job description constantly evolves.  I’m a mom, and I homeschool my kids.

I would like a word from You, Lord, about my job performance these 25 years.  I’ve failed many times.  There are so many things I would do differently.  I have regrets.  I feel like I was a mediocre servant, a mediocre disciple.  Did I fail my kids?

Did I make mistakes? Yes.

Did I admit my mistakes? Sometimes.  Not as often as I should have.

Did I love them? Yes.

Was I faithful? Mostly.  I reared them.  I disciplined them.  I read to them.  I helped them experience life.

I also yelled at them.  I put them in time out and forgot.  I avoided dealing with situations. 

I taught them.  I did not pray enough – with them or for them.  I trained them.  I supported them.

I released them.  I did not hold onto the adults past when it was appropriate. 

I loved them.  I protected them.  I defended them.  I fought for them, supported them, stood up for them.

I cherished.  I relished.  I nurtured.  I made allowances.  I forgave.  I cried.  I celebrated. 

I mothered.

I gave – to them and for them.  My time.  My love.  My energy.  My heart.  My knowledge.  My wisdom.  My strength.  My skills.  My weakness.  My imperfection.  My sin.

My all.

Did I give my all?  Yes, for the most part I’d say I did.  I’m human and a sinner. I made mistakes and wrong choices.

But I’ve given all I have to parent and teach these five.  I’ve read and researched.  I’ve studied – books and the children.  I’ve pondered and prayed.  I’ve second guessed.  I’ve agonized.  Would I do things differently?  Of course I would!  Hind sight, you know.

But I tried.  I can say I gave it my all.  Sometimes that all was pitiful, broken, misshapen or cracked.  But it was my all.

I long to hear a “well done, good and faithful servant,” but I fear I have not been good or faithful.  What might the Lord tell me?

“You’ve been faithful.  I’ve seen your perseverance, and I love your passion.  Sometimes you lost sight of first things first, you forgot to ‘seek first,’ and that’s when it began to crumble.  But I never expected perfection. I receive all you gave.”

“Whatever you do, do your work heartily, as for the Lord rather than for men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the reward of the inheritance. It is the Lord Christ whom you serve.” Colossians 3:23-24

Happy Mother’s Day to me.  J

Good Friday Liturgy at the National Cathedral

Introit

Men's and boy's voices

resound through the cathedral,

music not of earth

Trisagion

Organ first, then voices

"Holy God, Immortal One"

Crescendo to tears

The Word

Let's approach the throne

of grace with boldness, so that

we receive mercy

The Passion

We, as the crowd, shout,

"Away with him! Crucify!"

So they took Jesus.

He said, "It is finished."

Then Jesus bowed His head and

gave up His spirit.

Prayer

We stand; we pray for

the church, the world, hearts, peace.

A pause; "Lord, hear us."

Ah, holy Jesus by Johann Heerman

"Who was the guilty? Who brought this upon thee?

Alas, my treason, Jesus hath undone thee.

'Twas I, Lord Jesus, I it was denied thee,

I crucified thee."

Psalm 22

A cry in plainsong

"O My God, my God, why have

You forsaken me?"

Bach

A cello calling,

notes like tears sing the weeping;

deep groans beckoning.

The Veneration

Faithful young and old

wait to kneel. men wiping tears.

Come, let us worship

A kiss on the hand,

reaching out to touch the cross

as to touch the hem.

Were you there when they crucified my Lord?

"Were you there," older

voice wavering in my ear.

I am now undone.

Drop, drop, slow tears by Phineas Fletcher

"Drop, drop, slow tears, and bathe those beauteous feet,

which brought from heaven the news and Prince of Peace;

cease not, wet eyes, his mercy to entreat;

to cry for vengeance, sin doth never cease.

In your deep flood drown all my faults and fears;

nor let his eye see sin, but through my tears.

Communion

They come for a taste.

God sees their hearts, sinners all,

yet for each Christ died.

Genesis 1 Around Me

By grace (because there is no other explanation) I opened my eyes this year.  The ever present iphone, Instagram, and photo a day challenges prodded me to document life around me (or take an obnoxious number of pictures depending on how you look at it.)  While sort, deleting, and filing the year’s photos it dawned on me that in 2013 I walked through the goodness of Genesis 1 in unbelievable ways. I’m awestruck by all that God allowed me to witness.  I am grateful, humbled and overwhelmed all at the same time. I feel like I literally experienced “the heavens declaring the glory of God” in a way I never have before.

Then God said, “Let there be light”; and there was light.  And God saw the light, that it was good; and God divided the light from the darkness. 

 

I soaked in the sound of ocean waves.  I waded every chance I got.  My eyes ached at beauty I could hardly believe I was seeing.

Then God said, “Let the waters under the heavens be gathered together into one place, and let the dry land appear”; and it was so. And God called the dry land Earth, and the gathering together of the waters He called Seas. And God saw that it was good.

 

Even on my most oblivious days or when I’m buried in technology, I’ll notice mountains or the ocean.  I often overlook the little things. The astonishing assortment that sprouts, grows and blooms on the earth illustrates the limitless creativity of our God.

And the earth brought forth grass, the herb that yields seed according to its kind, and the tree that yields fruit, whose seed is in itself according to its kind. And God saw that it was good. 

I saw sunrises and sunsets (well, mostly sunsets) in the desert, the mountains, the city, the hill country and on the beach.  Some of the most spectacular were from a parking lot when I simply stopped and looked up.

Then God made two great lights: the greater light to rule the day, and the lesser light to rule the night. He made the stars also. God set them in the firmament of the heavens to give light on the earth, and to rule over the day and over the night, and to divide the light from the darkness. And God saw that it was good.

Occasionally, I took my Bible and journal outside only to be distracted by the variety of bird songs.  What a different impact than the distraction brought by the chime on my cell phone!  Other unbelievable moments: seeing crabs scamper out of rocks and almost tripping over a monk seal, both highly unusual for this Texas girl. Even ordinary chickens are amusing when wandering through my front yard or down a sidewalk.

Then God said, “Let the waters abound with an abundance of living creatures, and let birds fly above the earth across the face of the firmament of the heavens.”  And God saw that it was good. 

Man, created in the image of God, also creates. This year I delighted in my personal favorites of God’s human creations and the skill, creativity, ingenuity of mankind.  Evidently, I’m especially fascinated by bridges.  Who knew!

Then God said, “Let the earth bring forth the living creature according to its kind…And God saw that it was good.

Then God said, “Let Us make man in Our image … So God created man in His own image; in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them. 

 It was a good, good year.  I'm so incredibly grateful.

Then God saw everything that He had made, and indeed it was very good.

JOY for 2014

Psalm  63:3, 4, 7

Because your lovingkindness is better than life  

my lips will praise You

So I will bless You as long as I live;

I will lift up my hands in Your name.

For You have been my help,

and in the shadow of Your wings

I sing for JOY.   

This year I had a word pressed upon my heart before I had verse.  The word is JOY.  I’ve been convicted that I’m not a particularly joyful person.  Specifically, when considering whether the example of my faith in Christ would encourage my children towards a relationship with God I had to conclude that no, it would not.  I don’t think they see any joy related to my faith.  Sure they see me laugh at family silliness and enjoy a movie or time with friends, but when turbulence hits I grumble just like the world does.  (Well, minus the cursing.)

I don’t see scripture making allowances for grumpiness, but I’ve been making MANY allowances for myself.  I can’t continue to call myself a disciple without addressing this area.  First some clarification of what I mean by joy. 

1. 1.       Joy is a choice.  Really my word of the year is two words: CHOOSE JOY.  Joy is not something that happens to me occasionally or something that falls upon me.  Joy is a response that I have complete control over.  Circumstances do not dictate my joy;  I determine my joy.
2. 2.       Joy is action oriented.  I tend to think of joy as a feeling, thus when I respond to situations based on how I feel, joy is usually missing. When I researched the word joy/joyful/rejoice in Psalm 63, the Hebrew words used refer to a joyful voice, singing, triumphing, shouting, crying out.  Expressing joy this way is an act of my will that can be completely separated from how I feel in the moment.  I see this ‘will’ reflect in the Psalm – “my lips WILL praise you,” “I WILL bless you,” “I WILL lift up my hands,” and “I (WILL) sing for joy,” where the will is implied.  (One of the other Hebrew words for joy comes from a word meaning ‘to spin round.’ I suspect choosing to spin round singing praises on a regular basis would change my life.)
3. 3.       Choosing joy is choosing to trust.  Verse 3 starts with “because your lovingkindness is better than life my lips will praise You.” When I choose joy I am saying, “I don’t see it right now, but I believe Your lovingkindness is better than life.  I believe You are good.  I trust there is something greater going on that I am missing.”

Joy in the face of tragedy and sorrow is a topic for a much longer discussion.  Right now I’m focused on joy in the face of kids who have left a mess, long check-out lines leading to late appointments, traffic jams, careless words tossed out by a friend or spouse, filthy kitchen floors,  and people that fail you.  This is daily life for me and historically I choose grumpiness!  I choose a silent anger hoping it will convey my displeasure.  I choose sharp, sarcastic comments.

By the calendar I’m been a disciple of Jesus for over 30 years.  Currently I think I’m a pretty crummy disciple.  Jesus urged “take up your cross and follow me,” but I’m not even willing to let go of minor offenses that fill daily life.  I can glibly state I will choose joy, but when I’m hurt, angry, frustrated, disappointed or overwhelmed, will I?  On my own strength, no.  No chance.  By submitting, repenting, and depending on the grace of Christ I can. 

I have yet to be tested, and something tells me it won’t be pretty.  My grumpy habits are pretty ingrained.  But Paul exhorts that “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.”  Who knew that the toughest thing of all would be a simple choice.  To choose joy.