Two become one – again!

I see my husband face to face for the first time in 7 months in less than 5 hours. It's easy to rejoice this morning!!
I'm emotional, excited, grateful. Reading Psalm 118 – "His loving kindness is everlasting." Amen!!! I have sought, felt and depended on the mercy of God these past months like never before. "This is the day the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it." True every day, but TODAY I feel it!!! Rejoicing pours out of me.
As a I read the psalm I find myself pausing to pray different verses for myself, my family, my friends. It strikes me that I pray differently than when my husband left. Both of us have learned again to turn to God first instead of each other. This was out of necessity (several thousand miles between us requiring a different relationship), but for the first time I consider that our prayer life together might change. Frankly, a change could only be good! Historically, we have struggled in this area, praying sporadically or in general, rarely coming before the throne together and really seeking the Lord.
But we are both different now. I knew we would be, and I've been apprehensive about the changes and the readjustment. But if we continue in pray together as we have prayed apart our marriage and family will be profoundly impacted for the better.
I was excited before. I'm even more excited now! "The Lord is God, and He has given us light." Hallelujah!!

Wrestling

It had been a long day, starting at 7 am moving my oldest son to college. By 11pm, after a trip to the airport, scouts with the kids and a good cry, I was wiped out. Then the panic attack hit.
Intellectually, I knew that I was exhausted, over-caffeinated and just generally stressed out. I needed to sleep, but as always my overwhelming feeling was "I need someone here. I can't do this alone."
But that's exactly what the Lord asked of me – to do it alone, depending only on Jesus. The day before, I prayed that being alone would be an opportunity to "yield Him my all, and to find all in Him." How differently that looks at midnight, by myself, fighting panic symptoms.
I felt like Jacob wrestling with the angel and scrambled through Genesis to find the reference. "Oh Lord, please don't require me to wrestle until daybreak!! I don't think I can!" I plead with God. I breathe. I finally kneel on my bathroom floor singing with a cappella hymns playing on the CD player. Crying while defiantly singing hymns of praise – defying how I feel at the moment to proclaim truth. Pleading with "Love that will not let me go" and "Breathe on me breath of God." Begging that God would draw nearer to me, that I could feel His presence.
Graciously, the Lord does not require a battle until dawn. Somewhere near 1 a.m. I lie in my bed listening to strains of "I surrender all." Lord, I surrender all! Even whatever I don't know I have left to surrender, I surrender! And I sleep.
Morning finds me weary, worn, grateful. I hate and dread the battles. But I will admit that every battle leaves me a little stronger, a little less intimated by this embarrassing issue of anxiety. And maybe a little more confident that when the Lord said, "I will never leave you nor forsake you," He really meant it.

Alone

I've struggled with many things these past seven months that my husband has been deployed, but one of the most difficult and most constant is feeling alone. Alone and responsible. Alone and falling apart. Alone and overwhelmed. Yesterday, I sat crying in the Target parking lot about moving my son to college – alone.
Lord, let's explore this 'alone thing.' Why do I so hate and fear feeling alone? Why do I so desperately want to call and connect with a human when I feel this way? It's an interesting balance because the Lord does want us to support each other and be there for one another. I've had to learn to ask for help and reach out to others. But this time, I think part of what the Lord is teaching me is to come to Him first and to depend on Him and Him alone. Too often I have run to husband or friend, or I have distracted myself with a book or TV rather than running to the Lord.
Lord, how long have I felt alone? I suspect this is not just about the deployment. What is the lie I believe? That I really am alone and have to do it all alone.
What is the truth I need right now, the truth that will soothe my spirit and calm my tears? "I will never leave you nor forsake you." I can't say that immediately stops the weeping. Instead I cry harder because something has been touched within my spirit, something that I don't believe but desperately want to believe. I search the scripture.
John 14:16 "I will ask the Father and He will give you another Helper, that He may be with you forever."
John 14:18 "I will not leave you as orphans, I will come to you."
Deuteronomy 31:6 "Be strong and courageous; do not be afraid … for the Lord your God is the one who goes with you. He will not fail you or forsake you."
Joshua 1:5 "Just as I have been with Moses, I will be with you; I will not fail you or forsake you."
I pray that I will believe – and be changed. Oh how I pray that I look back on this deployment and all my struggles and see growth and change.
This morning I read the 'wrong' devotion – the wrong date but so appropriate for me. August 18 in Streams in the Desert, entitled (unbelievably) "Alone."

The hill was steep, but cheered along the way

By converse sweet, I mounted on the thought

That so it might be till the height was reached;

But suddenly a narrow winding path

Appeared, and then the Master said, "My child,

Here thou wilt safest walk with me alone."

 

I trembled, yes my heart's deep trust replied,

"So be it, Lord," He took my feeble hand

In His, accepting thus my will to yield Him

All, and to find all in Him.

One long, dark moment,

And no friend I saw, save Jesus only.

The poem ends gloriously, with a description of heaven.

And we who gather in the golden streets,

shall oft be stirred to speak with grateful love

Of that dark day when Jesus bade us climb

Some narrow steep, leaning on Him alone.

I pray 'alone' would forever be an opportunity to "yield Him my all, and to find all in Him."

21st Century Paraphrase of Psalm 23 (from a woman’s perspective)

My Lord shepherds me, continually leading and guiding me, taking care that my needs are met.
He invites me to the quiet of the soul spa where I can lay back and unwind without guilt. He massages my soul until I relax and am at peace.
He insures I follow the ways of truth, justice and holiness. His motives for my right living are simple and pure: ALL for the glory of God.
In the midst of anxiety, depression, grief, panic, despair, or when the world is closing in, Jesus is with me. I can choose to fear or to cling. He lends His walking stick for me to lean and wields His rod to drive away attackers. I rest easy in His presence knowing I will be supported, strengthened and defended.
You escort me to a lavish banquet, and the others present simply do not matter. You pull out my chair and seat me like royalty. My glass is never empty; the feast satisfies me beyond measure. The abundance overwhelms me.
You pour upon me excellence, generosity, virtue – the best part of all that is right – tempered by and with regard to my failings. You grace me with compassion, kindly forbearing and restraining judgement or punishment, not once but every day of my life.
Forever I will seek the presence of God and remain where God dwells.

Measuring Success

I finally sat down to fellowship with the Lord today at 6:30pm in a quiet corner of the theatre where my son was rehearsing. I opened by singing softly "Quiet my heart," "Jehovah Jirah, my Provider," and "Create in me a clean heart." It takes me some time and focus to quiet my heart (and mind!) Then I prayed through the armor of God and through 2 Corinthians 10:3-5, copying these verses as well. As I sat quietly, asking what to read, it seemed I needed to stay in that passage. I broadened a bit to read all of chapter 10.
I have been in a season of struggling: my husband in Iraq, 5 children, messy house, teaching a teen driver, too much driving, panic attacks, medication and its side effects, loneliness, behind in every area of life. I measure myself constantly and ALWAYS come up short. I'm failing – miserably. Tidbits from chapter 10 spoke to my heart as if straight from the Lord Himself.
"You are looking at things as they are outwardly." (verse 7) Oh yes! Absolutely and all the time! Is there another way to look at things? How can I help but look at my messy house, chaotic schedule and frantic spirit. Verse 13 tells me to look "within the measure of the sphere which God apportioned to us." What is the sphere God has apportioned to me? That would be important to know if I am to measure ONLY within that sphere.
I am uncertain, and then suddenly, after sitting quietly some time, I am quite certain. Today (and until I 'get it') the measure of each day is did I spend quality and quantity time with God. Morning would be best, but any time of day will suffice. If so, the day is measured as a success. End of discussion. Nothing else matters.
Paul starts chapter 10 referring to the "meekness and gentleness of Christ." I am so thankful that He is gentle with me, much more so than I am with myself! I've been a Christian for over 20 years!!! Why am I still struggling with what should be basic? Nevermind. Today, for the first time in a long time, I will go to bed considering the day a success. Tomorrow I will measure myself within the sphere God has apportioned to me at this time of my life. No comparing with others. No comparing with some ideal I've created. A burden is lifted and a measure of peace fills my heart. Ah, the goodness and gentleness of our Lord!