Alone

I've struggled with many things these past seven months that my husband has been deployed, but one of the most difficult and most constant is feeling alone. Alone and responsible. Alone and falling apart. Alone and overwhelmed. Yesterday, I sat crying in the Target parking lot about moving my son to college – alone.
Lord, let's explore this 'alone thing.' Why do I so hate and fear feeling alone? Why do I so desperately want to call and connect with a human when I feel this way? It's an interesting balance because the Lord does want us to support each other and be there for one another. I've had to learn to ask for help and reach out to others. But this time, I think part of what the Lord is teaching me is to come to Him first and to depend on Him and Him alone. Too often I have run to husband or friend, or I have distracted myself with a book or TV rather than running to the Lord.
Lord, how long have I felt alone? I suspect this is not just about the deployment. What is the lie I believe? That I really am alone and have to do it all alone.
What is the truth I need right now, the truth that will soothe my spirit and calm my tears? "I will never leave you nor forsake you." I can't say that immediately stops the weeping. Instead I cry harder because something has been touched within my spirit, something that I don't believe but desperately want to believe. I search the scripture.
John 14:16 "I will ask the Father and He will give you another Helper, that He may be with you forever."
John 14:18 "I will not leave you as orphans, I will come to you."
Deuteronomy 31:6 "Be strong and courageous; do not be afraid … for the Lord your God is the one who goes with you. He will not fail you or forsake you."
Joshua 1:5 "Just as I have been with Moses, I will be with you; I will not fail you or forsake you."
I pray that I will believe – and be changed. Oh how I pray that I look back on this deployment and all my struggles and see growth and change.
This morning I read the 'wrong' devotion – the wrong date but so appropriate for me. August 18 in Streams in the Desert, entitled (unbelievably) "Alone."

The hill was steep, but cheered along the way

By converse sweet, I mounted on the thought

That so it might be till the height was reached;

But suddenly a narrow winding path

Appeared, and then the Master said, "My child,

Here thou wilt safest walk with me alone."

 

I trembled, yes my heart's deep trust replied,

"So be it, Lord," He took my feeble hand

In His, accepting thus my will to yield Him

All, and to find all in Him.

One long, dark moment,

And no friend I saw, save Jesus only.

The poem ends gloriously, with a description of heaven.

And we who gather in the golden streets,

shall oft be stirred to speak with grateful love

Of that dark day when Jesus bade us climb

Some narrow steep, leaning on Him alone.

I pray 'alone' would forever be an opportunity to "yield Him my all, and to find all in Him."