Lent 2017 - Day 9 - Isaiah 12:2 - Trust

"Behold, God is my salvation.  I will trust and not be afraid." Isaiah 12:2

So simple yet so profound. So simple yet so difficult. Trust = do not be afraid.

Fear has been a big part of my life.  After all, panic attacks are fear in extreme form.  My crazy, unreasonable, Satan inspired fear that something is wrong with me, that I'm having a heart attack, that I will die is dealt with solely by trusting.

I trust God when He says the days ordained for me are already recorded. (Psalm 139:16). I trust God when he asks, "who of you, by being worried, can add a single hour to his life?" (Matthew 6:27)

Either God is in control of my days ... or He's not. There's really no middle ground.

Either God is good ... or He's not.  Again, there's no middle ground.  So if I don't SEE the good, I trust there is good.

Not easy -- but simple.

Wrestling

It had been a long day, starting at 7 am moving my oldest son to college. By 11pm, after a trip to the airport, scouts with the kids and a good cry, I was wiped out. Then the panic attack hit.
Intellectually, I knew that I was exhausted, over-caffeinated and just generally stressed out. I needed to sleep, but as always my overwhelming feeling was "I need someone here. I can't do this alone."
But that's exactly what the Lord asked of me – to do it alone, depending only on Jesus. The day before, I prayed that being alone would be an opportunity to "yield Him my all, and to find all in Him." How differently that looks at midnight, by myself, fighting panic symptoms.
I felt like Jacob wrestling with the angel and scrambled through Genesis to find the reference. "Oh Lord, please don't require me to wrestle until daybreak!! I don't think I can!" I plead with God. I breathe. I finally kneel on my bathroom floor singing with a cappella hymns playing on the CD player. Crying while defiantly singing hymns of praise – defying how I feel at the moment to proclaim truth. Pleading with "Love that will not let me go" and "Breathe on me breath of God." Begging that God would draw nearer to me, that I could feel His presence.
Graciously, the Lord does not require a battle until dawn. Somewhere near 1 a.m. I lie in my bed listening to strains of "I surrender all." Lord, I surrender all! Even whatever I don't know I have left to surrender, I surrender! And I sleep.
Morning finds me weary, worn, grateful. I hate and dread the battles. But I will admit that every battle leaves me a little stronger, a little less intimated by this embarrassing issue of anxiety. And maybe a little more confident that when the Lord said, "I will never leave you nor forsake you," He really meant it.

Measuring Success

I finally sat down to fellowship with the Lord today at 6:30pm in a quiet corner of the theatre where my son was rehearsing. I opened by singing softly "Quiet my heart," "Jehovah Jirah, my Provider," and "Create in me a clean heart." It takes me some time and focus to quiet my heart (and mind!) Then I prayed through the armor of God and through 2 Corinthians 10:3-5, copying these verses as well. As I sat quietly, asking what to read, it seemed I needed to stay in that passage. I broadened a bit to read all of chapter 10.
I have been in a season of struggling: my husband in Iraq, 5 children, messy house, teaching a teen driver, too much driving, panic attacks, medication and its side effects, loneliness, behind in every area of life. I measure myself constantly and ALWAYS come up short. I'm failing – miserably. Tidbits from chapter 10 spoke to my heart as if straight from the Lord Himself.
"You are looking at things as they are outwardly." (verse 7) Oh yes! Absolutely and all the time! Is there another way to look at things? How can I help but look at my messy house, chaotic schedule and frantic spirit. Verse 13 tells me to look "within the measure of the sphere which God apportioned to us." What is the sphere God has apportioned to me? That would be important to know if I am to measure ONLY within that sphere.
I am uncertain, and then suddenly, after sitting quietly some time, I am quite certain. Today (and until I 'get it') the measure of each day is did I spend quality and quantity time with God. Morning would be best, but any time of day will suffice. If so, the day is measured as a success. End of discussion. Nothing else matters.
Paul starts chapter 10 referring to the "meekness and gentleness of Christ." I am so thankful that He is gentle with me, much more so than I am with myself! I've been a Christian for over 20 years!!! Why am I still struggling with what should be basic? Nevermind. Today, for the first time in a long time, I will go to bed considering the day a success. Tomorrow I will measure myself within the sphere God has apportioned to me at this time of my life. No comparing with others. No comparing with some ideal I've created. A burden is lifted and a measure of peace fills my heart. Ah, the goodness and gentleness of our Lord!