Not Knowing

“Children have I reared and brought up, but they have rebelled against me. An ox knows it’s owner, and a donkey it’s master’s manger, but Israel does not know, my people do not understand.” Isaiah 1:2-3

Isaiah dives right in with warnings, with chastisement.  This is not cheery reading.  Why is it here?  What does this teach me about the heart of God?

God is desperately worried about His children, here the children of Israel.  He’s calling them out in very strong terms. I’m no farm animal expert, but my understanding is that donkeys and oxen aren’t the brightest crayons in the box.  In essence He’s saying even the donkey and ox know better than His people.

He’s addressing their rebellion by saying they do not know and they do not understand.

Do all sins begin with the not knowing?  In our times, not knowing might be the greatest rebellion.  Not knowing means I choose to know something else.

“Inconsideration of what we do know is as great an enemy to us in religion as ignorance of what we should know.”  Matthew Henry

I am frequently guilty of not considering what I know.  In other words, I choose to ignore what I know when it’s inconvenient to my pursuit of what I want.

The beginning of Isiah has more questions than answers for me.  But questions have the potential to reveal my heart.  And the passion and concern expressed in Isaiah 1 convinces me that my heart is of great concern to my God.

Verse 4 challenges me to assess my personal discipleship. Is there anything I have abandoned, despised or forsaken, relinquished or turned away from?

-Have I abandoned fellowship with God?

-Have I forsaken time with God? (I can try to pretend that forsaken time with God does not mean I’ve forsaken God, but really in any relationship if I give up spending time with a person, I’ve given up the person.)

-Have I relinquished reading my Bible? Prayer?

-Have I left spiritual practices behind?

-Have I scorned or despised anything of God?

-Have I turned my back in the act of turning to something else?  How frequently have I ignored God and my spiritual life?

-Have I turned away or aside from God? Have I chosen another (person or thing) to pour my time, energy and love into? Who or what am I following?

I think God is  trying to convey to me in the strongest possible way that rebellion is serious.  Sin is serious.

In the Old Testament, in Isaiah, we read of judgment for iniquity but also of the promise of forgiveness. (v18) I live under that the new covenant where my sin is forgiven and wiped away!  Hallelujah! However, I still need to remember my sin is serious primarily because my sin is an obstacle to knowing God. And oh how I want to know God!! 

Walking with Isaiah

Starting this week, our Ladies Bible study will begin studying the book of Isaiah.  I'm thrilled, but I suspect others may be asking, "What are you thinking?"

Isaiah is intimidating.  66 chapters.  Numerous unfamiliar allusions and names and places.  Additionally, the first chapters are all about sins, warnings, consequences.  It’s not your feel-good Bible reading. 

So why Isaiah? 

Because I think Isaiah has a lot to teach us about the heart of God.

As we journey through Isaiah, we will read and ask, “What does this passage teach me about the heart of God? What does this passage teach me about God?”  Discipleship is knowing God and walking with God.  As we walk together through the book of Isaiah, if we read with eyes to see what God is passionately for and against, with ears to hear what He’s communicating to His people, and with a heart that’s is attending to what God feels for His people, we will walk away with a greater understanding of the Holy One.

(For some background on the time of Isaiah, read II Chron 26-32)

Resolutions 2015

My Hope is Found

I love new beginnings, and January 1^st is the grandest of new beginnings!  A fresh start! I have new (unrealistic?) enthusiasm for what I can do this year.  I know it won’t play out as glorious as I envision today, but today the vision is exhilarating!

For over a decade I’ve prayed about a verse to focus on each year.  Last year I simplified to a word.  This year the word came early, in November.  Hope.

I’m almost 50, and there are some things I’m coming to terms with that I probably won’t do and that probably won’t change.  At times I’m discouraged that it’s too late, that you can’t teach an old dog new tricks.  Hope is a very personal, interior word for me.  It reaches into the depths of my heart with the whisper that “In Christ alone my hope is found.”

My soul, my heart cries from within that the Lord is my portion.  What I’ve been allotted is by definition all I need to thrive, to live the abundant life.  The Lord is enough.

Because He is enough, I can hope. I can wait expectantly for what is to come.  I could rewrite the verse to say, “Therefore I will look forward with reasonable confidence, confidence in Christ, not myself or others or circumstances.”

“Therefore let us draw near with confidence to the throne of grace, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.” Hebrews 4:16

It’s fine and dandy to ‘say’ I hope, to intellectually acknowledge that in Christ alone my hope is found, but sometimes I want or need to feel it.  The path to feeling it involves drawing near to Christ.  I must pray.  I must dwell in the Word of God.  I must carve out time to be still.  I must unplug so I have a chance to hear the still, small voice.  The good news is that those practical steps give me a way to take action.  The bad news is that discipline and consistency is beyond challenging for me.  I want to be like Samantha Stephens from Bewitched and wiggle my nose for results.  This journey has no short cut.

I went rock-climbing with my family Christmas Eve.  No, really!!

I wasn’t sure I’d make it to the top, and there were several moments I thought I’d reached the end of what I could do.  I think the key to climbing a wall, to climbing a mountain, to walking with Jesus, to life, is to not look down/back.  As Ann Voskamp writes,

Failing? What feels likes losing is really gaining experience.

Forward!

Falling apart? Fall forward into whatever. comes. next.

Forward!

Fearful? Fear is always the first step forward of faith.

Forward!

Whenever you are lost, FORWARD is always the way Home.

I made it to the top of the rock because I kept looking forward and reaching forward.  This year, when I feel stuck, when failure looms large, when hope shrinks small, I purpose to move forward. When my prayer life falters, I will move forward and pray today.  When I’m weeks behind in my scripture reading, I will move forward and read today.  When it’s June and I’ve only memorized one stinkin’ verse, I will move forward and start on the second. When I’m frazzled, overwhelmed and just want to watch an entire season of Bones on Netflix while downing a bag of chips, I will move forward and take five minutes to breathe in stillness.

“This I call to my mind, therefore I have hope:

the steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;

His mercies never come to an end;

they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.”

Lamentations 3:21

Amen. 

Starting to Count Again

When I'm overwhelmed.

When I want to hide.

Can't I be the ostrich with its head in the sand?

When I struggle to pray.

When I struggle to do.  Anything.

When the loudest voices shout:

"What are you whining about? You have an easy life! What's wrong with you? You're just lazy. You have no excuse. You're worthless at everything you're doing."

I KNOW I need to fight...but I have no fight in me.

I KNOW I'm not alone...but I FEEL alone.

I KNOW the truth...but the lies are louder.

I can't pray. I can't fight.

But I can count.

1-rain

2-sunlight

3-two pump cafe mochas

4-colored pens and paper

5-...

Job Performance

For 25 years I’ve had the same job.  Most of the time I work independently and set my own schedule.  I have no direct supervisor or performance reviews.  I know other people who fulfill the same job responsibilities, but we work at different sites.  My job description constantly evolves.  I’m a mom, and I homeschool my kids.

I would like a word from You, Lord, about my job performance these 25 years.  I’ve failed many times.  There are so many things I would do differently.  I have regrets.  I feel like I was a mediocre servant, a mediocre disciple.  Did I fail my kids?

Did I make mistakes? Yes.

Did I admit my mistakes? Sometimes.  Not as often as I should have.

Did I love them? Yes.

Was I faithful? Mostly.  I reared them.  I disciplined them.  I read to them.  I helped them experience life.

I also yelled at them.  I put them in time out and forgot.  I avoided dealing with situations. 

I taught them.  I did not pray enough – with them or for them.  I trained them.  I supported them.

I released them.  I did not hold onto the adults past when it was appropriate. 

I loved them.  I protected them.  I defended them.  I fought for them, supported them, stood up for them.

I cherished.  I relished.  I nurtured.  I made allowances.  I forgave.  I cried.  I celebrated. 

I mothered.

I gave – to them and for them.  My time.  My love.  My energy.  My heart.  My knowledge.  My wisdom.  My strength.  My skills.  My weakness.  My imperfection.  My sin.

My all.

Did I give my all?  Yes, for the most part I’d say I did.  I’m human and a sinner. I made mistakes and wrong choices.

But I’ve given all I have to parent and teach these five.  I’ve read and researched.  I’ve studied – books and the children.  I’ve pondered and prayed.  I’ve second guessed.  I’ve agonized.  Would I do things differently?  Of course I would!  Hind sight, you know.

But I tried.  I can say I gave it my all.  Sometimes that all was pitiful, broken, misshapen or cracked.  But it was my all.

I long to hear a “well done, good and faithful servant,” but I fear I have not been good or faithful.  What might the Lord tell me?

“You’ve been faithful.  I’ve seen your perseverance, and I love your passion.  Sometimes you lost sight of first things first, you forgot to ‘seek first,’ and that’s when it began to crumble.  But I never expected perfection. I receive all you gave.”

“Whatever you do, do your work heartily, as for the Lord rather than for men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the reward of the inheritance. It is the Lord Christ whom you serve.” Colossians 3:23-24

Happy Mother’s Day to me.  J

Good Friday Liturgy at the National Cathedral

Introit

Men's and boy's voices

resound through the cathedral,

music not of earth

Trisagion

Organ first, then voices

"Holy God, Immortal One"

Crescendo to tears

The Word

Let's approach the throne

of grace with boldness, so that

we receive mercy

The Passion

We, as the crowd, shout,

"Away with him! Crucify!"

So they took Jesus.

He said, "It is finished."

Then Jesus bowed His head and

gave up His spirit.

Prayer

We stand; we pray for

the church, the world, hearts, peace.

A pause; "Lord, hear us."

Ah, holy Jesus by Johann Heerman

"Who was the guilty? Who brought this upon thee?

Alas, my treason, Jesus hath undone thee.

'Twas I, Lord Jesus, I it was denied thee,

I crucified thee."

Psalm 22

A cry in plainsong

"O My God, my God, why have

You forsaken me?"

Bach

A cello calling,

notes like tears sing the weeping;

deep groans beckoning.

The Veneration

Faithful young and old

wait to kneel. men wiping tears.

Come, let us worship

A kiss on the hand,

reaching out to touch the cross

as to touch the hem.

Were you there when they crucified my Lord?

"Were you there," older

voice wavering in my ear.

I am now undone.

Drop, drop, slow tears by Phineas Fletcher

"Drop, drop, slow tears, and bathe those beauteous feet,

which brought from heaven the news and Prince of Peace;

cease not, wet eyes, his mercy to entreat;

to cry for vengeance, sin doth never cease.

In your deep flood drown all my faults and fears;

nor let his eye see sin, but through my tears.

Communion

They come for a taste.

God sees their hearts, sinners all,

yet for each Christ died.